"Over the years I've had a recurring nightmare.

In my dream I walk into an auditorium or hall, filled to capacity and overflowing. I am greeted effusively by the management and escorted backstage. To my horror, I realize that all these people are gathered here to hear me speak, to watch me perform.

They've heard great things about me and expect to be entertained by my appearance there that day. The only problem is, there's been some sort of a mix-up and I am totally unprepared.

Not only do I not have any of my show props, I don't even have any kind of speech or anything like that prepared. Try as I might, I cannot come up with anything I can do right then, right there, in front of all these people.

In vain, I protest that there's been some sort of mistake. No one listens to my protests, or if they do, simply put them down to a self-effacing false modesty.

In short, they don't believe me.

I am ushered onto center stage without even a microphone, and the curtain slowly rises.

An expectant hush settles over the assembled throng, and then the laughter begins. Slowly, in the rear of the audience, a few giggles surface, and they grow in volume and intensity until they encompass the entire multitude. Soon everyone is roaring with laughter, and I haven't said a word. Indeed, if I did have something to say, there's no way it could be heard over the laughter.

The laughter, impossibly, rises in volume, and is soon joined by hoots, jeers, catcalls, boos and other similar rude expressions of disapproval.

At this point I look down for the first time and discover that I am stark naked. I am petrified, frozen, unable to move, unable to leave the stage, unable to speak.

I wake up in a cold sweat.

Now, I'm aware of the standard interpretations of naked-in-public dreams, but this one has the added fillip of me being in a performance situation, and unable to perform.

In an effort to make sure that the non-performance part never happens, I've devoted some time and energy to putting together some ideas for a totally impromptu, totally prop-free program.

It's these ideas that make up this treatise. I'm sure you can find some ideas here that you can use to make sure you are always ready to perform, even without your favorite props and routines on hand.

Or even if you're stark naked . . ."

"What can you be normally expected to find when you walk into a place totally unprepared?

With a blank piece of 8 ½ x 11 paper, you can do the 'standard' Living & Dead Test. You know, the one where the paper is torn into nine approximately equal pieces, names of living people are written on all the pieces but one and the name of a dead person is written on the last piece.

This is older than dirt, but still extremely effective. If you're in a situation where you don't want to use names of dead people, or if your performing persona doesn't admit of any kind of interaction with the dead, there are beaucoup other premises you can use. Here are a couple:

The Boy Friend

With a bunch of girls, this is dynamite. There are, however, a couple of fine points you should observe.

Use only one girl as your subject. Have her write the names of various boys she knows in the "outer" squares, and the name of her boyfriend (or the boy she wishes was her boyfriend) in the center square.

Fold the papers once each way and mix them in some sort of container. I've used salad bowls from the kitchen, a small paper sack, and an empty shoebox, among other containers. The point is, borrow the container as well as the paper.

Actually, in a pinch, you don't need a container. I've done this in a restaurant by tearing up the paper, going to the john while the names are being written, and finding the slips all in a pile on the table when I returned.

Do not open the papers and read the names out loud! This has the potential of being very embarrassing to your selected girl; she may not be willing to have the name of the boy she has a crush on spread around, especially among a bunch of gossipy girls of her own age.

What I do is take the folded papers, one by one, ostensibly feeling for a special pulse of emotional energy from one special, certain name.

I discard the papers, one by one, till I come to the center one. I react to it as if I received a jolt of energy from it.

I finish going through the papers, then go back to the selected one, touch it, confirm the fact that it's the one and give it back to the girl who wrote it without opening it.

That way her interest in that particular boy isn't paraded around the room, and it's up to her if she wants to reveal it to her girl friends or not.

You'll find that her reaction when she opens her paper will be all you could hope for.